Man of the People Will Lock Himself in Borrowed House

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column that spins politics, pop culture, fame, shadow and schadenfreude.

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Like an overpriced supermarket in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood, the White House is getting on board ahead of Election Day. After a final week of organizing mass-market campaign events across the country and leaving constituents failed in remote areas with no way of return (both metaphorically and literally), Donald Trump plans to return to a house he doesn’t own, put up a non-modular fence outside, and turn off the lights , according to a CNN report. Federal authorities should erect the fence and other defensive measures around the White House as a symbol of our enduring and functioning democracy.

Like a frenzied character in a shapely mid-century play who spends much of the first act deliberately wreaking havoc before smashing a lamp and locking himself in the bathroom, Donald Trump will be heading to his dressing room to climax where he will tweet and wait for the curtain to call.

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Apparently a big fan of the novel Leave the world behindDonald Trump will spend election night posing as the central character of the book by refusing to leave a house built by blacks.

Donald Trump, a well-known Beetlejuice, was summoned years ago by a minority of the electorate too embittered with grief to realize that the American Dream is a mistake invoked to reaffirm a caste system that keeps the most fundamentals and which now invokes the rights of squatters. This, of course, is an ironic turn of events given the aggressive anti-tenant tactics employed by Trump and his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, which is as if the Chuckie doll is a haunted Victorian porcelain figurine created by a racist algorithm. .

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The White House chose to take the Bartleby the Scrivener approach to the will of the people and adopted the original interpretation of the votes as “mere suggestions offered by white men.” The confusion may lie in confusing “legally registered voters and American citizens” with “the invasion of British troops circa 1814”. A common mistake.

Apparently assuming that members of the Democratic Party have spent the past four years training Parkour and building Batman-style devices to fight super-villains, the White House is turning into a stronghold against its two. greatest enemies: Americans and reality. Producers of American ninja warrior are scheduled to film the next season of the series on the White House lawn.

We do not know what the White House fears by erecting this new defense system. Perhaps they think White House standards will be exceeded by telephone banking for ActBlue. “Oh my God, not emancipation and an empowered electorate!” The Trump administration cries as they slam the Lincoln bedroom door like an irritable teenager. While the left is a diverse and vibrant majority of the population, it seems safe to say that few people spent the years of the Trump administration perfecting the use of a grappling hook.

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Like a duplex that turns on its porch light at 2 p.m. on Halloween, the White House tries to convince the American public that no one is home and that there will be no goodies. After years of wreaking havoc, stoking violence, and inflicting horror on children, families and individuals in myriad ways, the Trump administration clearly expects retaliation in the only language it speaks. Not satisfied with the protections built into a White House that has protected the nation’s leaders during decades of geopolitical strife, peaceful civilian protests and the threat of nuclear war, the military chief retreats to a bunker in hope to be protected. the biggest threat to his version of the American presidency: the American people.

In conclusion, Trump is building a wall.

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